Life Is In the Details...

It's weird sometimes the day that stretches out before us. We completely expect one thing, then something totally unexpected turns us from the ordinary to the extraordinary, or perhaps the horrifying. A day can't be predicted no matter how many ordinary days have seemed to line up endlessly.
Life is weird like that. Each day a unique finger print taking us from where we were to where we should be. They don't seem any different than the one before but the subtle nuances that seemingly unfold before our very eyes, unnoticed, turn it into a completely new and different day than the one before. We complain about the monotony of our lives but it's just bc we've forgotten how to notice the little tiny details that make our days unique and important.

I want to pay better attention to those important details. For instance, Annsley, my daughter, asked me this week had I noticed how long her hair has grown. Sadly, I hadn't. But once she pointed it out to me it was apparent that it has grown much longer. Where was I while Repunzle was growing her locks to escape from this tower of childhood? I was probably worrying about some unimportant details of life, too wrapped up in those to notice this important detail. It's a shame how we live; so focused on the big picture that we miss the real life happening around us in real time. 

This moment right now is where our focus should be. Not eyeing the distant road sprawling out before us that we may never travel in the first place. I want to live here, in this moment, and then in the next so I don't miss my daughter's hair growing longer. I don't want to miss the growing tower of marker notches creeping up my sons' bedroom door frame; inch by inch until I measure my sons not by how tall they've grown but by how far away they have moved from us. They won't always live within our reach, and that doesn't happen over night.

Thank you Father in Christ for life, and help me to enjoy it and cherish it as you have given it to me. Help me not to wish it away with all my future planning to one day long to have it back.  You keep tomorrow... help me to live with you today in each now-noticed-moment of precious, fleeting life.

Something I've Learned This Week...

It's simple, basic, elementary, really, but has been difficult for me to learn.  Here it is...

God loves me.
 

I was so afraid that when I stepped down as pastor last week that the earth was going to open up and swallow me down into the depths of its fire-lined belly. Well, as of yet I'm still atop the soil.  I'm sure that can change in a moment; I'm not sure how fast news travels to Heaven these days.  Before I dig any deeper a hole for myself, I must say that I was relieved to find that God's nature hasn't changed.  I don't want to disappoint God.  I love Him so very much, and to find out the truth that He loves me more than I could ever possibly love Him has been so freeing.  Not freeing in the sense that I can do whatever I want and not have the bowels of Hell open up to me, but freeing in the sense that I don't give him much credit.

He is famous for saying, "I'll never leave you or forsake you."  Did you catch that?  He said, "Never."  I see my children doing things that disappoint me all the time.  In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, I had to take my oldest son trekking across our neighborhood to apologize to a girl in his class on the bus.  He and another little boy were caught saying some inappropriate things by the bus driver and I received "the phone call."  In that moment, I wanted to spank and ground that kid until Christ Himself returned to forgive him personally.  I was very disappointed because I know my son is better than his actions.

It occurred to me, however, on the way home from a very embarrassing trip to our neighbors -- for us both, I might add -- that he, Caleb, was my son and my love for him was never in question.  Had he disappointed me?  Yes.  Had he disappointed himself?  Sure.  Was he wrong in what he did?  Absolutely.  But my love for him was unaffected.  In fact it was a bit of a wake up call that I needed to show more love and care for him.  He's growing up.  He's becoming a teenager.  He wants to fit in and be liked, and is struggling through that like we all have.  In this moment and time, he needs love from a father that doesn't ever give up on him.

I'm thankful that I keep learning this myself.  Was God disappointed in me when I stepped down?  Maybe.  Was I disappointed in myself?  Absolutely.  Was I wrong for stepping down?  Perhaps.  But the truth in all of this is that God's love for me IS NOT in question.  And I can live with that.  What I can't live with are anymore embarrassing trips through the neighborhood to have my son apologize to a child and her parents for being, well, an idiot.  But if we all live long enough, and the hole in the earth doesn't present itself, I'm sure I'll make that trip again at some point.  I'll just be making it with a child that I love dearly enough to go with them to knock on the door of our disappointments.

Thank you God for loving me.

Why I Stepped Down as Sr. Pastor

This past Sunday (05/05/13) I stepped down as Pastor of the Alton Church in Birmingham after only eight months. It came as a shock to the congregation. Some close friends of mine knew the personal inner struggle I had with this role, and my resignation came as no surprise. However to the majority this was somewhat shocking news to be stepping down so abruptly.

The purpose of this post is to be clear as to the reasoning for my early departure from this local church.
 
First of all, no one "ran me off." In fact, the people of the church were completely kind, generous and gracious to our family. The church people accepted my wife and children with love and open arms and many great, lasting relationships have been forged in this short time. They accepted me as well, and most all went along with my cracked-pot ideas (my term). Naturally, there was resistance to some of the change, but these were openly discussed, debated and resolved.

Secondly, this was a personal decision.

The decision to step down was made prior to Easter, and I took the following weeks leading up to my resignation to rethink, pray and find peace before making it final. As a side note, I found it quite striking that the Pope stepped down recently as well. Benedict was the first Pope to resign the position in 600 years.  It struck me as odd as well to learn that the overseer of our denomination gave his resignation this past Monday..., the same week I resigned. I don't know if there was something in the air, but resigning seemed to be vogue.

Which leads me to my reason(s) for resigning...

Ministry, preaching the Word, praying for people, making a positive impact in peoples' lives and discipling followers of Christ are the elements that really make me tick as a minister.  The details of being in the ministry and the huge cloud of burden that follows you everywhere you go is what so discourages me.

There's an element of pastoring a congregation, as good as that congregation may be (which is the case at Alton - good people), that is completely stressing and worrisome. I found that this burden didn't cause me to pull more closely to Christ as one might imagine, but I started pulling away. Bible study, prayer, sermon prep all became a worrisome thing to me because having become fixated on what I perceived people wanting instead of focusing on what Christ desires.  I had it backwards.  People pleasing is a bitter poison that drains God's ministers and places said minister in bondage. Unfortunately, I never properly separated the man from the ministry taking anything and everything very personally.  I didn't want pastoring to change me, my temperament and approachable personality. I didn't want to become calloused and shut off from people as I've seen happen with some pastors.

I became bogged down with budgets, music, problems, programs, offenses of others, unfaithful people, people leaving to go elsewhere, murmurs, complaints, formats of service, worship styles, hospital visits, full time work, full time family (my priority after loving God), the distance we traveled from home to church, my own paranoia and plain old-downright tiredness. There seemed to be no relief in sight and I let that thought of hopelessness get the best of me.

I'm not saying this is okay or even right. I'm not justifying anything either.  I'm just saying that this all factors in to why I stepped down. I'm not even saying that I went about it the right way.  I'm sure the Pharisees will line up to privately and publicly jeer, throw stones and question my trust in God. And that's okay..., I questioned it too. Pastoring is a tough work for tough men with thick skin. I am neither tough nor thick skinned.

Finally, I am, however, grateful for the opportunity to have tried. I'm thankful for all the friends who traveled with me through my times of despair that went unnoticed on the surface. And I love God for teaching me a thing or two about who I am and, more importantly, about who He is.

I'm not stepping away from ministry per se, but I am stepping back to give God space to help me deal with my insecurities and trust issues in a toned down role at a local church in Bessemer under a great Pastor.

I love God so much. This hasn't changed. And greater than this is the fact that His love for me hasn't changed either. I'm not junk being discarded. I'm gold being refined in the fire by the Master. 

Thanks to everyone for your continued love. Any other rumor about my stepping down is just that... Rumor. Any speculation as to other reasons I stepped down is just that... Speculation. I can't stop either, and that's okay. If you hear the rumor that I can't hack it as a Pastor, well... that one may be true. :) I still love Christ and His calling and I know that He's still working on me.